Honest, Vulnerable Boundaries
As counterintuitive as it may sound, building relationships with horses involves asking them to move away from me. Even before spending time with a horse, the first exercise in the Resnick Method is checking a horse’s “gas pedal,” or how willing they are to move. Developing a reliable gas pedal with a horse is critical for a few reasons. Firstly, it helps keep me safe. If a horse comes running at me or threatens my safety in any way, I must be able to move them away to a safe distance. Secondly, engaging the gas pedal is essential to developing a bond. By asking a horse to move, I am tapping into their natural herding instincts, including their instinct to bond. Additionally, because leadership in a herd is partly determined by moving feet, when I ask a horse to move, I may earn respect and boost my leadership status with the horse. Without a gas pedal, the horse will start to lose respect for me. As with any relationship, if respect suffers, so will the bond.
After making sure I can move a horse away from me when needed, we develop a connection by spending time together, Sharing Territory as Carolyn Resnick calls it. While Sharing Territory, the horse will eventually approach me and may start to get rude, pressing too close, nipping on clothing, or even fingers. Becoming rude is actually good news: it tells me the horse is feeling comfortable enough to test my boundaries. My reaction to this test is key for our relationship. If I allow a horse to remain close to me while breaking my boundaries, I jeopardize my safety and position as a leader. Instead, I can ask them to move however far away I need to feel comfortable.
Of course, there is a chance that when I ask the horse to move away, they may leave me entirely and not come back to visit me that day. In order to maintain integrity around my boundaries, I have to be willing to take that chance. Jane Pike of Confident Rider wrote beautifully about this idea in her recent blog:
“...I have to be vulnerable enough to create a boundary and ultimately be willing to lose. Boundaries are all about offering choices. They are saying to another human or to your horse, these are the choices as I see them in this situation, and you are free to choose from them. In offering that choice, we are aware that their choice may not line up with what we want. Here is the vulnerability...Boundaries require integrity on every level and the ability to give over power- the power of choice to someone or something else. This is the freedom. And from there, we are strong enough to stand strong and open, knowing that our willingness to lose is ultimately what allows us to truly win.”
For much of my life, I’ve been a people pleaser. Vulnerability and honoring my boundaries with personal integrity hasn’t come naturally to me. I’m grateful for the opportunity to practice these honest, vulnerable boundaries every day with the horses, making it easier and easier for me to carry them into the wider human world. As Brene Brown says, “Daring to set boundaries is having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.” The horses are helping me embrace this daring courage by demonstrating that in the long run, building a bond with boundaries can only lead to deeper, more enduring connections.
Do you notice places where fear of loss may be holding you back from honoring your boundaries? Is there a time you honored your boundaries and were rewarded with a more authentic connection? Let me know on Instagram, Facebook, or LinkedIn, and may the horse be with you, always!
