A Balancing Act
What is self-realization? While studying under Carolyn Resnick, I’ve heard her discuss the benefits of self-realization through horsemanship many times and had assumed it was synonymous with personal growth. However, in a recent conversation with Carolyn, she taught me some important distinctions. Here's how I now understand the difference: personal growth is striving to develop and improve oneself, while self-realization is awakening to the idea that we already have everything we need, just as we are.
For years, I’ve been on a journey of personal growth, seeking to become aware of my problems and striving to address them. One of these problems, as I saw it, was my perfectionism. The unrealistic ideal of perfection damaged my self-esteem, caused anxiety, and took me out of the present moment. It was putting me in “Trainers Mind” where I would neglect connection in the pursuit of a perfect performance, damaging my relationships with both horses & humans. When I caught myself slipping into a perfectionist mindset, I would get frustrated and berate myself for failing to fix this problem.
When I shared these struggles with Carolyn, she mentioned that a lot of gurus would say we need to get rid of ego to reach enlightenment. However, Carolyn suggested ego is part of the human equation, and if we remove it, we may unbalance the equation. She proposed my perfectionist tendencies are also an important part of my own personal equation. In fact, there are times when it’s a huge benefit. For example, my perfectionistic attention to detail can help me connect with and train horses because I notice important subtleties. It’s only when perfectionism takes over that it poses a problem. Carolyn encouraged me to simply notice when the drive for perfection creeps up on me, and check to see if it’s in balance.
The idea this “problem” might actually be a valuable trait and a vital part of who I am has absolutely blown my mind. Looking back, I can see where striving for perfection was damaging when it became too dominant. However, now I can also see countless times where this drive helped me to succeed when in balance, aiding me in becoming a person I am grateful to be. This perspective shift is helping me value and appreciate myself in a new way, growing my self-esteem and self-compassion through simple awareness. Now, instead of scornfully rejecting this part of me, I pull it closer, give it a hug, and find my balance.
A lesson I continue to learn is that anything can be a positive or a negative depending on the context (or as Star Wars’ Obi-Wan would say: “Only a Sith deals in absolutes!”). A fire is wonderful in a cozy hearth and nightmarish in a dry California forest. Personal growth is a wonderful, powerful tool and it can trap me into a perspective of looking for problems rather than realizing I already have everything I need. It seems much of life is about finding the right balance for the right context. The poet-philosopher David Whyte describes this as the “conversational nature of reality.” He explores this idea in much of his work. The Bell & The Blackbird is just one breathtaking example. The poem is inspired by an Irish story about a monk who hears monastery bells summoning him towards development and deeper understanding. But then, he hears the call of a blackbird inviting him to venture out into the world just as he is.
The Bell & The Blackbird
The sound of a bell
Still reverberating,
or a blackbird calling
from a corner of the field,
asking you to wake
into this life,
or inviting you deeper
into the one that waits.
Either way
takes courage,
either way wants you
to be nothing
but that self that
is no self at all,
wants you to walk
to the place
where you find
you already know
how to give
every last thing
away.
The approach
that is also
the meeting
itself,
without any
meeting
at all.
That radiance
you have always
carried with you
as you walk
both alone
and completely
accompanied
in friendship
by every corner
of the world
crying
Allelujah.
David Whyte
Which call should be heeded, the bell or blackbird? Self-realization or personal growth? As David Whyte points out in this interview, “Human beings are constantly choosing too early in the conversation. The strategic mind throws out these black and whites and binary questions because that’s the only way it can approach things. But almost always the way forward is actually holding them both together, or the way between things.” We must both seek growth and be content to meet the world just as we are now.
I love the idea that life is a journey of discovering these frontiers, these conversations with reality, and finding balance within them. Just as each horse and each person is different, everyone’s balancing acts are uniquely their own. What frontiers do you find yourself balancing in? What conversations with reality are you engaged in? I’d love to hear about your journeys in the comments below or on Instagram, Facebook, or LinkedIn. And of course, may the horse be with you, always!
